I could make wine with my vomit
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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