I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
