Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
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Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
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Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize