Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
