the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i out mim tonsoeep
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
