I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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