when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
