thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
