I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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