I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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