I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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