Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
