Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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