Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
