yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
