She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
