I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
