you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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