I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
