Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
