if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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