her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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