just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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