I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
and she was petting her beer can
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Randomize
