sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
