my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
