remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
