Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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