I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
