We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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