hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i love accidental penises.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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