Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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