Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
