Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
