I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
