what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
