I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Let's get the cat blown out
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
