Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
