I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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