Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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