Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
