i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
