Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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