I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The adults are the big ones right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
