I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
