Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
