Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
