There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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