it was like his penis was on wheels.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
