Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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