My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
