i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he fucked my hip out of place.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.