Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday