Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school