Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
