On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
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I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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