I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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