Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
