Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
