My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
